The Grass Is Always Greener...

I should be super duper happy right now. The surgery was a success; I get to sleep in as late as I want; I still have another three weeks off from work; the diet is working; I am blessed with good friends and a loving family; I am young(ish!) and healthy and still have most of my life ahead of me. So what's the problem?

It's not that I'm unhappy. I just feel so blah right now. I'm used to having a list a mile long of things I want to accomplish in a day (i.e. a "purpose"). Not being able to drive, being cooped up in my house all day...I feel so out of my element. I had a stack of books from the library waiting for me when I got home from the hospital, but I never found the motivation to crack one open. I bought new drawing supplies the week before my surgery but have yet to use any of it. My days consist of surfing the internet, using my stepper, monitoring my caloric intake, blogging, and watching my soaps, The Bonnie Hunt Show, and 90210 reruns. Sometimes I'm inspired enough to load the dishwasher or do a load of laundry.

I know it's called recovery, but why do I feel so lazy? I know I shouldn't, but I feel guilty for being so inactive. I should be reveling in this opportunity to be free from responsibilities and the demands of "the real world"; instead, I feel like a caged animal. I feel so uninspired. Blogging and watching TV aren't a luxury right now - they are my only options.

But I want to make the most of it. I know the remainder of my leave is going to fly by. I'll be back at work before I know it, longing for the days when I could lounge at home, my biggest worry being whether or not the next episode of One Tree Hill would be a rerun.

I do have a few goals for myself in the next few weeks: 1) I need to build up to 1 hour of physical activity per day, or I won't have the stamina to make it through an entire work day when I go back in March. 2) I have the time, so I may as well revamp my resume and spend some time applying to teaching positions for the 10/11 school year. 3) This is my chance to really relax, to truly make peace with everything that has happened this past year and move on. I would like to start meditating for 10 minutes every day. I would also like to learn a few yoga moves. The more stress busters I have up my sleeve now, the better I will be in the long run.

I have no reason to complain. Life is good. I am blessed. I just need to accept that this isn't just a cold. I can't just suck it up, be a trooper, and go into the office. I need to give myself the time needed for my wounds to heal and understand that it doesn't make me weak or lazy. It makes me human.