I wish I liked scrapbooking. I consider myself artistic in that I can draw, but I don’t do it often enough. I wish I could play the piano. When I was in grade school, my parents bought me an organ from the local auction and paid for lessons. I dreaded practicing and didn’t stick with it. I could play “Bicycle Built for Two” and “Beautiful Dreamer” quite well, but I was more interested in gallivanting with my friends than investing my time and effort into playing the organ. I wish I hadn’t given up. I took that gift for granted instead of making the most of it. I’ve always loved music. Now all I can do is sing karaoke. If I knew how to play the piano, I’d be a true musician. I wish I loved to cook. I used to get squeamish when my mom would make me take out chicken to thaw. Just seeing it in its uncooked state made me gag. While I’m not as sensitive about it now, I won’t buy bone-in chicken and do everything I can to avoid coming in contact with the raw juices. I am not a germ a phobe by any stretch of the imagination, but I truly detest raw meat. I think my aversion to it plays into my love-hate relationship with cooking. It is supposed to be a messy process, and I hate that about it. I do love the finished product, though!
I probably spend too much time thinking about what I wish I could do and who I wish I could be, rather than focusing on what I can do and who I am - right now. I have lost sight of my own gifts and abilities - the things that make me special and unique. When I sit down and try to think of the things I have accomplished, my interests, abilities and daily triumphs, I go blank. I definitely feel like I stretch myself too thin. I always feel rushed, like there’s never enough time to do everything. And that’s not the truth. Mozart, Rembrandt, and MLK, Jr. only had 24 hours in a day, and look at what they accomplished! I think by truly knowing myself, I’ll know where to invest my time and effort, so I can maximize the difference that I make in the world. Why focus on cooking or scrapbooking, when I don’t love doing either? Sure, I’ll always find time to feed my family, but I don’t have to be the next Julia Childs. And I can just as easily order a wedding album online as I can make one myself. I’d rather spend my time journaling than scrapbooking. And there is nothing wrong with that!
So…what have I accomplished so far in life? At 27 years of age, I have made more best friends than some people make acquaintances in a lifetime. I have experienced the “love without end, Amen” type of love from the best parents anyone could ask for. They showed me how to live an ethical life, filled with hard work and special moments. They showed me what “till death do us part” really means, made me understand the sacrifice and rewards of such devotion and commitment. I earned a BA from the University of Florida and am halfway through a MA program right now. I ended a 4-year relationship with a perfectly decent guy because I just knew (couldn’t explain why) he wasn’t the one for me. I met my soul mate and married him two years later. I moved halfway across the country to be with him without thinking twice. I taught in FL’s public school system for two years and have been teaching at-risk high school students in IL for three years. I love my students and my job and truly make a difference in the world. I try my hardest to be a beacon of light and a good role model for the students I teach. I have bought a house and turned it into a home. Since the organ incident, I have made the most of what I have been given in life. I have made mistakes I regret terribly, but I have come to accept that I cannot change the past - I can only go forward, determined not to make the same mistakes twice.
What can I do, and who I am, at this moment in time? I am an amazing teacher. I can cook and clean (I am by no means Donna Reed, but I get the job done!). I am a good singer. I am computer-savvy and even know HTML. When I’m “in the zone,“ I can write in a way that conjures emotion and stirs the soul. I am a great friend. I am not the best wife, but I am a good wife, and I am learning not to take my marriage for granted. Marriage is a seed that, in order to blossom, needs as much time and attention as a career or hobby. I can be stubborn and moody, but I’m learning to “brush it off” and not let everything go straight to my heart. I am passionate and loyal. Generally, I am low-maintenance, despite any effort to spend more time on my hair and make-up. I am an animal lover and wish Matt was, too. I love chocolate martinis, even though I drink them too fast and end up with my head in a toilet. I am a worrier by nature and have to remind myself daily to slow down and relax. When I’m on fire, I can accomplish a lot in a 24-hour period. When I’m on vacation, I accomplish practically nothing. I don’t use that time for anything productive. And I usually don’t feel too guilty about it, either! I am always trying to be a better person, wife, friend, and teacher, which is probably why I am so stressed out! I put a lot of pressure on myself to improve, instead of just accepting myself for who I am and enjoying the ride.
I just spent the last hour writing this instead of working on homework, doing the laundry, or making dinner. I am learning to put time for myself at the top of my list. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to break my addiction to to-do lists and self-help articles, but I’m hoping the more I understand and accept who I am, the less I’ll need to live my life one check mark at a time or rely on anyone else for the answers.
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