Suddenly

Suddenly, I am sad. I was doing great until right this second. I am suddenly overwhelmed by this realization: I miss being pregnant. Not pregnant and waiting to miscarry, like I was from 7/20 through 8/4...I am talking about the kind of pregnant where you still have hope that the little being inside you will one day thrive outside of your womb and will continue to bring joy to your life for years to come. I miss not being able to drink diet Coke. I miss avoiding lunch meat and gourmet cheeses. I miss having sore nipples and the constant urge to regurgitate the inordinate amount of Saltines consumed only minutes earlier. I miss feeling bloated, delightfully deluded into believing it was the beginnings of a "baby bump." I miss being able to trust my body. I miss the time when I thought getting pregnant and staying pregnant was easy. I miss worrying about how we were going to make ends meet while I was supposed to be out of work for maternity leave. I miss waking up in the morning, feeling like everything I did had a higher purpose. I miss looking at pictures of nurseries and wondering which type of decor would best represent the soul I was carrying. I miss the thrill I would get from hearing sappy country songs about parenting on the radio. I miss being able to listen to "The Climb" and "Here Without You" without crying. I miss that feeling of, this was meant to be; I have a hard time believing anything that hurts this much could ever be considered meant to be. Most of all, I miss my baby; I miss everything it was and everything it will never be. I didn't realize our capacity to love so deeply so quickly and wonder if I will ever be able to again.